The Hardest Job in the World

First a TTC update. We are still waiting to start our first cycle. DtD needs to finish his STD testing and we need to sign our paperwork, and then we're ready to go.

It's strange thinking about having another kid. I know that I do want another kid. I also know that I'm okay having one. I know that I want another boy and I know that having a girl would be okay. I just desperately want Finn to be able to have another male in the house. I know I want TTC to take some time because I'm not ready, but if it happens quickly, it'll be okay. I know it won't happen quickly. Then I wonder if I'm trying to convince myself that it will take time because I really want it to happen now. I am telling myself that I will not go crazy this time. I know that I might go crazy anyway.

The Hardest Job in the World

It's amazing how parenting has rocked me to my core. I've always hated when people smugly state that parenting is the hardest job in the world, except that it really is. Well, maybe there are some harder jobs, like working on an oil rig. Maybe there is something else out there that requires the same level of physical stamina, but I honestly don't know if there's anything that will suck as much out of you emotionally.

My goal as a parent is that my kid is almost always okay. The saddest part of this is that I, his parent, am the biggest threat to his emotional safety in this world. I have the power to hurt him down to his very core, to make his world an unsafe place, to destroy his confidence in what is right and good. And I can do this with one mean word, one frustrated moment. I have already done it on too many occassions.

Before I became a parent I thought I was an okay person. I had flaws. They were manageable. I had a mostly healthy relationship that easily rebounded when it veered into unhealthy. Now I realize that none of that is true.

My flaws are huge gaping wounds in my psyche the lead to poor coping skills, and my poor coping skills hurt my child. My unhealthy patterns cannot rebound when applied to a two and a half year old boy who needs me to be his safe place and not someone who hurts him. I have come to realize that these flaws are historical, that they were instilled in me by my parents and by their parents before them. I've come to realize that the childhood that I felt was good, that the parents I thought treated me mostly kindly, maybe didn't, and that I have a lot of work to not pass on these flaws to my own child.

I've found that many, maybe most, parents around me tend to throw up their hands and portray the world around them as always criticizing parents when they are challenged to go above and beyond. I've found that they want solutions, easy to implement systems that involve steps and numbers apply to their children so they can get good results. I've found that few want to turn the microscope back on themselves, their behavior, and consider that they actually might need to change who they are in order to be a good parents.

And this is why parenting is a really hard job. Because it requires constant self examination, it requires you to constantly look at your flaws, it requires you to be on guard with your behavior, it requires you to always always put your child above yourself, and it requires you to not use your child as a way to justify that the way your were raised was okay. Laziness, emtional or physical, does not translate into good parenting.

I am certainly not a perfect parent but I don't expect perfection. But I do try to be a mindful parent, an aware parent, someone who will work her entire life to end her own bad behavior because, truthfully, Finn is worth going through hell fire for, and he's worth any amount of hard work it takes to make sure he's okay.

So...

I'm still here.

When did my child become Two and a Half????

A few months ago Finn got really really sick. Six days straight of fever, vomiting and diarrhea. Our sweet kiddo was lethargic, his eyes rimmed in red, lying in bed and begging for...coffee. Yeah, coffee. Then he got better and when he emerged, he was Two and a Half. I don't mean he was really two and a half (that happens October 2nd), I mean he suddenly was super-oppositional, crazy emotional, raging against The Man, the machine and mama and mommy all at once, inconsolable when he didn't get his way and volatile.

I guess two isn't going to be entirely a piece of cake.

Like any singular moment in parenting, we stopped, took stock then readjusted our course. Okay, he's Two and a Half, and that's okay. It's more than okay, it's expected, it's developmental. But, still...where is my baby???

It's hard, this parenting thing. This letting go thing. And I tell you, he's still the most fabulous kiddo in the entire world, even when he's not.

DtD

Well, he's back. It's strange picking up after two years of not having him in our lives. Strange but still kind of okay. He and BF are not doing well. I don't know where that's going, but I think it's going the wrong direction. Long term relationships are hard, and they're especially hard when you spend two years apart.

Anyhoo, the BIG QUESTION remains. We need his sperm. Again.

Did I hem and haw, did I talk about dry wall, did I avoid and avoid and avoid? Nope. I've grown up. I put it out there - we want a sibling for Finn. And you know what: game on. Soon, maybe too soon, we're back on the TTC rollercoaster that I HATE so much.

AHHHHHH!!!

It'll be worth it. It was the first time. I don't care if it took a million tries (okay, maybe I do,) our kiddo was so worth it.

Potty Learning

Somehow potty learning snuck up on us.

We started putting Finn on the potty at 11 months with visions of him being out of diapers by the age of two. Then our baby became a squirrely toddler with so much more to do then sit around on the pot. So potty learning went to the back burner.

Then we went diaper free. Like, last week. And somehow our kid decided to use the potty. On his own.

Huh?

We went with it. First for a few hours. Now he's diaper-free all day except for naps. And he pees and poops on the potty. As long as he isn't too tired or in too much pain or too distracted or too busy playing. He trots his cute little buns into the bathroom, sits down, pees, then puts his pee in the toilet.

I usually ignore him while he's doing this. No one claps for me, or praised me, or gives me stars or stickers or M&Ms when I pee, and I don't have a potty chart. So neither does Finn. But I'm secretly bursting with potty JOY and every once in a while I give him a spontaneous MY-BOY-WENT-TO-THE-POTTY hug.

Now I have visions of potties dancing in my head. I had resigned myself to Finn being out of diapers maybe by four. Maybe not. Maybe sooner. So we're looking for a portable potty seat and he's wearing his big boy underwear on outings, and we're bringing changes of clothes, and my baby is so BIG.

Potty learning, here we come.

The Return of DtD

DtD will be back in August.

Yikes.

We were sad when he left, devastated when he stayed longer than we'd expected.  Part of me feels like we've been sitting on hold, waiting for our family to finally be intact.

Everything has a good side to it and the good thing about the last two years is that we've gotten much closer to BF.  Finn LOVES Uncle BF.  I just can't imagine that coming about under any other circumstances.  

And the bad side.  Waiting.  Getting older.  M. feeling like her fertility is slipping away.  

In a couple months he'll be back and we'll start where we should have two years ago, and Finn will finally have a relationship with his donor.  It's funny because I would have never questioned how he would fit in if he'd never left.  Now I wonder where his place will be with M. and myself and Finn and Uncle BF.  I'm sure it will be okay, but part of me worries that DtD will be on the outside.  

He probably will, but I'm also sure we can make up for lost time.

This means we get to jump on the TTC wagon in the near future.  M. has said she doesn't want to share our journey as publicly this time.  It will be her body and I totally support her in doing what she needs to do to survive.  

And that is if we decide to TTC for #2.  Money is tight.  Our house is small.  I have no time for mat leave saved up.  We can't live on my salary.  We would have to have some serious conversations about what it would mean to have an only child, and for Finn to be an only child.

So, yikes double yikes.  Luckily toddlers are distracting creatures.

laughing at bubbles

laughing at bubbles, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

aw, I love his smile...

Slow Parenting

M. and I are officially on the Slow Parenting track.   

We spend our days at home.  We don't do any classes.  We don't have structured learning opportunities.  Basically we feel that Finn will start reciting his ABCs, counting, writing numbers, socializing etc...when he is ready, not when we are.  He'll have enough time in his life to be learning in a structured environment and not enough time to just be.

So we be.  

We have breakfast.  We read books.  We draw.  We go for walks.  We make messes, we clean them up.  He explores his world and I am amazed at how much he knows without any kind of structured teaching.  Because kids are brought into this world to learn and nothing we do will stop them.   No classes.  No play groups.  No preschool in the fall.  Just Finn and mommy and mama and the world around him.  

Sometimes it's hard being on the slow parenting track.  It feels like everyone is busy telling you about their kid's accomplishments.  We don't have many measurable accomplishments to brag about at play groups.  No counting, no ABC's.  All of that stuff will come with time and I just don't have the heart to drill Finn until he recites them so I can show him off.

Brag brag brag.  It's insufferable.  

Every once in a while I want to tell people that Finner was too quiet, then I went into the kitchen, found him whipping up a souffle and we'll be sending him to the CIA in the fall.  Their youngest student EVER.  But I don't.

After all, when I set my ego aside and think about it, really, really think about it, this is what I conclude.  

1.  I am my kids mother and I think he's the most brilliant human being on earth.  He doesn't say his ABCs or count or speak another language.  He still knows EVERYTHING.  

2.  What is most important to me?  That my kid is smart?   Not really.  That my kid is empathetic and caring, that he sees the world beyond himself, that he grows up to give back.  And that I as his parent always help him to be his best, to work to his highest potential.   

Yeah.  Totally.  

On the go with the boy...

Rucksack Carry in the Hopp, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.