Going for a Walk

Going for a Walk, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

A Certain Sense of Order

Finn has this amazing sense of order. This amuses me because I personally have a great skill for existing in chaos. Mess does not phase me. Finn is different, so maybe we are all born with an inate sense of order and it's slowly drained out of us by the chaos of our environment.

Things happen in certain ways. Blocks fit into containers which are covered with lids. Night lights go back the right way, flat side down. Toilet paper in the potty. Bath toys in the bath. Dogs go back into the dog house, first green, then blue, then pink, then green again. Dishes get put away. Water goes in a cup.

How will Finn feel when he realizes that his mommy does not share his sense of order? That I can peer through piles, rummage through drawers and find what I want in second? That stacks of paper do not daunt me? That order is not my priority?

We have children only to be judged by them.

One of my funniest childhood memories was when my parents forgot to pick me up from an out of town track meet. Being resourceful and capable of existing in chaos, I simply walked the several miles home in the dark to my family who had not even realized that I was missing. It was funny, but not really. I won't do that to Finn and that's good because I'm not sure my child will be as okay with the chaos as I was.

I love his sense of order. And because I love him I will work to respect it even if it doesn't jive with my own personality. Luckily it does jive with M., yet another characteristic Finn gets from his mama!

What Kind of Noise Does a Rabbit with Wheels Make?

Finn has started to make car noises when he plays with cars. It's a kind of "vvvvrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh" noise that also sounds a little bit like he's spitting.

SO FREAKIN' CUTE!

It's not like M. and I taught him to make car sounds. He picked this up all on his own. He makes the noise with his cars...and his little plastic helicopter...and his rabbit. Yes, his adorable little wood rabbit pull-along toy that he got as a gift for his birthday.

M. and I were a little confused about this development until we realized that the rabbit has WHEELS. So what sound does a rabbit with wheels make? Well, according to Finn, "vvvvrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh".

New Diaper Covers

Blue and olive peels, originally uploaded by mariajasnoch.

I've been stalking Kiwi Pie to get a couple of her Kiwi Peel covers and yesterday I got two!!!!

We are moving to a fitted bamboo dipe with wool covers. Now we have one Covered Caboose and two Kiwi Peels...just need to order our dipes. I cannot WAIT.

M. and I decided a couple months ago to start early potty training and so far it's going really really well. Finn gets up in the morning and pees on the potty and he pees after his naps. I think it's highly probable that we'll have a potty trained boy by the time he's two, probably sooner.

This is GREAT. This is SAD.

Because we both LOVE our dipes. It will be a sad day when our little boy doesn't have that lovely and soft cloth bum and we put away all our beautiful diapers and covers.

In the meantime I'm eagerly anticipating our beautiful covers. They are just lovely. And they'll probably be the last covers our boy needs.

Unraveling our Tangled Sleep

Sleep remains THE issue in our house. When we get it, how much we get and who wins.

Finn wins.

I am Night Mom. I am the one he snuggles with and feeds off. I am the one he will not let go. I am the one who must carefully and quietly sneak away from him. I have lost the luxury of being able to just get out of bed - I have to lie there and strategize how to extract myself from his little arms and legs without waking the tiny beast.

Sometimes I don't care. I just want to get up and go to the bathroom without it being complicated, so I just do it. Parenting overnight leaves no time for yourself.

M. and I have our time at night, a few precious hours between his bedtime and ours where we get to watch TV or talk to each other, recapturing a sliver of our previous lives. Then every once in a while he steals that too, waking shortly after we put him down, refusing to let either one of us go. It's really frustrating and it makes you feel crazy.

Frustration breeds a black and white point of view. JUST SLEEP...please...please. It becomes easy to forget that he has a place in our parenting experiment too and we start to lose his voice as we struggle to find balance in ourselves. Two weeks ago M. and I were feeling that the only option we had left was to let our son cry.

Then we took a collective deep breath.

Finn clings to us on the nights when I go back to work. It makes sense. I'm home with him for a few days then I'm gone before he wakes and return when he's asleep. I'm basically gone for two days. His actions aren't irrational and he's still just a baby.

I ended up going to bed at 9 pm and missed Top Model. We'll survive. He'll probably sleep better tonight. And M. and I will keep perspective as we work to untangle this puzzle in a way that works for all of us.

One Year: the stats

Checkups, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

Height: 38th percentile
Weight: 27th percentile
Head: 97th percentile

Biology Matters

We went to visit Dr. G. yesterday for Finn's one year checkup. It was funny because several times Dr. G. refered to some sort characteristic that Finn has as being from M. and myself. Such as his big head...she said "Oh, you both have big heads," and she indicated that Finn's blond hair and blue eyes come from M.

He he.

In so many ways biology doesn't matter. Finn is Finn. He's not some collage of my mouth and DtD's eyes and hair and my coloring and DtD's knees. When I look at him sometimes I see DtD and all the time I see our beautiful little boy.

In so many ways biology does matter.

When you have to rely on outside biological matter to create your family you work hard to discount that reality. You also make a lot of decisions before that child becomes reality and before you are forced to confront how your decisions affect him or her. The biggest one is where they come from.

How do we explain these decisions to our children? Because to them biology is important, or at least our decisions around their biology. Some of us have decided to never allow our children to know where they come from. Would they agree with this decision? Is it really fair to them to decide ahead of time that even if it's important for them to know where they come from, they won't be able to find out? Some of us have decided to be open with either a known donor or ID release. Will this make things somehow better?

We make the best decisions we can. We make decisions around our own fears or around financial concerns. I don't think they are inherently bad decisions but there is no way of knowing the consequences.

We decided to use a known donor for Finn, to allow him access to his biology and to keep the process transparent. I've never wanted to pretend that Finn appeared out of nowhere. But we still land in the same trap. I have great trust that DtD will be responsible and present in Finn's life, but what if I'm wrong? What if Finn grows up and hates who he comes from? What do we do if he strongly questions the decisions M. and I made when we had no idea how they would impact our children? As much as I don't want biology to matter, it will matter to him.

And ultimately biology matters because it matters to society. It matters to Dr. G. who can't stop thinking that Finn is some combination of myself and M. It matters to my mother who wants to attribute every characteristic Finn has so some combination of genes. It's something that will pop up and haunt those of us who try to irradicate it from the equation.

It just matters.