I said I love you years ago
Tell myself you never loved me, no
They sat in a dingy Denny's in a large corner booth, talking between desultory attempts at eating their meals. Mostly Buffy played with her food, while Spike fidgeted with the desire to smoke again and an overwhelming urge to run away from Buffy's scrutinizing gaze.
"I guess, the truth is," she said, carefully not looking at his eyes, "I never expected you to come back, or if you did, that you wouldn't, you know, hide." Buffy dunked her straw in the iced tea and pulled it up, dropping tea back in the glass, over and over. Even in the ugly fluorescent light and orange leatherette seating of the Denny's, she still looked so lovely.
"Well, me neither. About that hiding thing, I mean." He pushed his fries around on the plate. The eating thing seemed pointless these days, even though he was still always hungry. After what Wes and Fred had told him, there didn't seem to be much purpose in trying to stay alive; however, she'd suss something was up if he didn't at least nibble a bit of the French dip sandwich, and especially the fries. She knew his propensity for deep-fried things all too well. "Are you... disappointed, though, that I did come back?"
"No. I don't... it's not... it would be great if it was that simple. You know?" She shrugged.
"Yeah."
They'd talked around it on the way here, avoided it during the meal, but now it was the elephant in the room and he thought he might go off his nut if she kept pretending they were on friendly terms.
"So, do you want to come back to the house with me? Dawn should see you. She's got a lot of issues to work out and the whole confronty thing is good when you have issues." Clearly someone had been studying their self-help lessons. Chapter One: Running away from conflict will only lead to more.
"Uh." He fumbled around in the useless compartments of his brain where he'd previously kept snappy remarks, but, finding nothing, just stared at her. Buffy spread her hands wide and raised her eyebrows. In the old days, she'd have just thumped him when she wanted to know the rest instead of this. "Well, actually... Dawn's already seen me. No issues worked out, but we ran into each other the other day."
Tea went splat on the table in a big puddle. "Oh, she is dead as a dead thing when I get hold of her."
"I asked her to keep her gob shut. Didn't want the news to upset you."
Buffy pursed her lips and looked down at the table. "I keep telling you, it's not as all bad-newsy as you think it is. I had a lot of time to think about stuff. About the back and forthing. We had a lot of bad back and forthing, you know? But... I can be friends with Will and she tried to kill me and Dawn, and... so, you know, I can be friends with you. Just takes some time and thinking." Chapter Two: Forgiveness takes time and thinking.
Aye, there's the rub, he thought ruefully. Had they really been friends before?
"But the thing is, first rule of friendship? You don't hide things from said friends." Her hostile look for added punctuation was still pretty cute and not the least bit worrying.
"You were friends with Willow before things went bad. There's a big difference there, Slayer."
"You were my friend, too. I just didn't know how to have a friend then. Things are different now, and I think that you should come to the house, at least to keep me from beating my little sister."
"Yeah, well... It might be best to tell you this, then. I ran into Harris, too."
She closed her eyes, trying to get hold of the temper she'd promised herself she wouldn't lose. So everyone in town had seen Spike, but no one had thought to tell her? As if that was a chapter of her life she'd just forgotten, as quickly and easily as she changed her underwear?
"Is there anyone you haven't run into?" Just for effect, she speared a fry with her fork, really really hard.
"Uh, no. Not here at least. But anyway, why were you sending the both of them out to do research or whatever it was they were about? What's going on?"
"Uh-uh." Buffy wagged a scolding finger. "No changing of subjects."
"What was our subject? I hadn't realized we had one as we seem to be caroming about like conversational pinballs."
"Friendship. Coming back to the house." She remembered how she'd found him. "That guy with the ooky eyes and mouth you were fighting. I think they're what Xander and Dawn were trying to find out about."
"I wouldn't call it fighting, precisely, more like getting my arse kicked."
"Yeah, and what's up with that?" She'd never seen Spike so nervous and scared before; none of the love of the fight she'd known all these years. For a moment she wondered if it could have to do with the bathroom, as if he'd decided to stop fighting after he'd tried to hurt her, but she had a tough time believing that. Sometimes Spike was a mystery to her, but the one thing she knew for certain was that if he screwed up, he would try to fix it -- not take the passive approach and just try to pretend it hadn't happened or he wasn't that kind of guy.
"Long story."
"I've got time."
"Not really. You have a job, I hear. School night and all."
"It's Saturday, not Sunday, you idiot, but... " He was really bad at avoiding things. But she supposed he'd never really had to do that before.
"But nothing. I'll walk you home. Cheers on the job, by the way."
"Thanks." She actually blushed, but had no idea why. "You'll walk me home and come in and tell me about whatever you're not telling me."
"Buffy..." Sometimes when he said her name, it made her stomach get all clenchy, both happy and sad feelings. She didn't want to think about that night, or feel like she could never shed the image of the last time she'd seen him. Buffy wanted to move past that, to be the kind of girl who moves on from things. But nothing about their relationship, from the moment she'd first seen him in that alley behind the Bronze, was ever simple. They had history, no matter what. Things were way too complicated to just say, "never darken my doorstep again," and she hated the thought that he might not stick around, at least to be her friend, and Dawn's. There was something necessary about Spike, she'd come to realize in his lengthy absence, something that, good or bad, reminded her she was alive. Before, she'd tried to hurt him for that; now all she wanted was to start over and erase the chalkboard. Write new instructions.
But she wasn't sure Spike wanted to. He acted as if he was all grown up in a weird way, not the hyper-emotional, childish guy she'd come to care about. That childish quality had actually been part of what she liked about him, and now he was all somber and reasonable. Kind of almost Gilesy, and that was a creepy thought. And maybe time had erased whatever feelings he'd once had for her in that melodramatic, over the top way -- what if maturity and reason had turned him away from her? If he'd lost his melodrama, maybe life with a slayer wouldn't seem quite so appealing. For some reason, Buffy did not like that thought. She'd have to think more about it later. If it was one of those cosmic "careful what you wish for" deals, she'd be having some words with the Powers That Be.
"You know, we have all this crap just sitting here between us. I'm not saying it's all going to be tiptoeing through the tulips, but unless we say stuff, it's never gonna go away. I'm new to this job, this counseling thing, but I've learned really fast that if people don't actually tell you what they're thinking, then you can never really talk to them."
"When did you get to be so wise?" She was pretty sure he was mocking her, except that he sounded really sincere.
"I had my heart broken and I lost my mom and I died and was resurrected and did some really terrible things and survived some terrible things done to me and my friends. Wisdom is one of the party favors you get."
"Free gift with purchase." He paused. "What does that mean, anyway? Isn't a gift free by nature?"
"I don't know. I got the 'death is your gift' thing and it sure didn't come for free! No customer service people to gripe to, though."
He raised an eyebrow and nodded. She could tell he wanted to say something possibly deep and serious, but he was having a tough time. Not that this was easy for her, but knowing how emotional Spike was, he must have been having a mental spazz attack about how easygoing they were together. In his mind he'd probably been making this into a huge Thing, and if she wasn't going along with its Thingness, he wouldn't know what to do.
Spike paid the tab and opened the door for her in that courtly way he had. But there was something funny in his interactions with others these days, all the in-your-face stuff was gone and he seemed somehow almost normal, person-like in ways she couldn't put her finger on. He remained silent as they walked back to her house; Spike with his hands in his jacket pocket, looking around the neighborhood as if he'd never seen it before, and Buffy with her arms drawn across her chest.
When they were halfway there, Buffy remembered the thing she'd killed earlier and the axe she'd stashed. "Um, would you mind if we took a detour?"
"To where?" Spike appeared suspicious, as if he thought she was asking for something untoward. He'd already forgotten everything, which was kind of weird.
"That guy... thing... creature whatever we killed earlier? I hate to say this, but it might be a good idea to get his... head. Plus, it's a perfectly good axe."
"You killed. I need hardly remind you yet again that I was not standing fast against it."
"I'm sure you'd have gotten him on a normal day."
Spike rolled his eyes and snorted.
"Well, anyway, since we've been looking for one of these things, maybe we can find out more about it if we have, you know, the head." She winced at the disgusting nature of her job once again. Spike gave her a quick sideways glance, and then grinned. What a weird date-like evening this was turning out to be. There weren't many people, though, she could talk about axes and heads with who would understand.
"Who could resist the offer to pick up disengaged heads with you? Besides, wouldn't want you to lose your precious axe."
Buffy smiled. It felt kind of good to be smiling at him, to have him acting all lighthearted again. This was the Spike who'd been able to draw her feelings back from the dark places where she'd pushed them.
Except that when they got there the head was nowhere to be found, nor the body. They'd shoved it somewhat untidily under a big hedge that was pretty untidy itself, figuring that if no one took care of the shrubbery, no one would notice the body or the head. But now there was nothing. "I'm sure it was here," she said.
"It was." Spike frowned. "Look, there's... blood or something. It was here. Someone took it away."
She kicked at the shrub. "Damn, that means it has a posse."
"A crew, even."
"An entourage." She dug around and came up with the axe. "So now what do we do?"
"Well, I can probably draw it from memory, and then we can get cracking on the research."
Trying very hard no to let slip how happy that made her, Buffy just looked up at him and said, "I like that you said we. It's been too long since you helped out. Since I let you."
He shrugged and started off down the street. It was just too weird to have her be so welcoming and open to him after everything. In some ways, punishment and rejection might have been easier to take than this kindness. He was starting to understand what Willow was on about.
"So, you can draw?"
"Yeah. Don't you remember those pictures that annoyed you so much you'd found in my crypt?"
Her face colored red.
"That's the thing about being around for over a century -- gives you time to pick up hobbies or expand upon your god-given talents."
"Angel used to draw, really beautifully."
"I'm better." He enjoyed the look she spared him, mocking and smirky and glowing all at the same time. The Buffy most of them never got to see.
"So what is all the hugger-mugger about, anyway? Harris said you had been having dreams or something. Were these blokes in the dreams?"
"Yeah. They've been killing potential slayers. At least I think they're potential slayers. They say things to me that lead me to believe it. And these guys in monk-robes are after them. Chasing them and killing them. Creepy dreams. Kinda scary. And I think I recognize these guys, but I can't remember where. If they are guys, I mean. Maybe there's just this one."
"Sure, and a neighbor's cat came and moved the body."
"Well, I never said it made sense." Suddenly she drew back and stopped walking. The light bulb over her head was nearly visible. "Hey, where exactly did you see Xander, anyway?"
"Willie's. Where I'd be right now if I hadn't seen you, pulling an extra shift."
"You're working at Willie's? You have so got to be kidding me." Buffy put her hands on her head, as if this was all too much to bear. The axe swung perilously close to his ear.
"Look, what else am I going to do with my spare time? Of which I have copious amounts, and I can't kill humans, and and and." For a moment he was so into it that he almost forgot his condition.
They got to Buffy's front door and she stood there for a second, hand on the doorknob. "I get that. I'm just... this is all a lot to take in. You've changed a lot."
"No joke. You think there's not some spastic little man waving his arms about screaming inside my brain right now at all of this? How casually you're treating everything?" He leaned against the wall, gazing down at her while she considered it.
"I demand that you come in and at least say hi to Dawn."
"Slayer... we've had a lot of water go flowing under the bridge tonight. Maybe we should give it a rest, eh?"
"Nuh-uh. I have laundry and dishes and stuff to do, you can keep her company." She stepped inside and Spike heaved a great sigh, following. Here she was, expecting the vampire who'd tried to rape her to come into her house and hang with her kid sister. Really, could you ever predict what this peculiar girl would do?
Dawn came flying down the stairs, already in mid-sentence. " --so I asked Janice about the-- " she stopped, her mouth open, halfway down. "Spike," she squeaked.
"Hey, Niblet."
"Do -- Ar -- What are you doing here?"
"It's all right, she knows." He jerked his chin in Buffy's direction.
"Well, duh. She's standing right next to you."
"No, I mean, she knows you saw me."
"Oh! And... what else does she know?"
Buffy scowled. "There's more to know?"
"No!" Dawn answered as she got the main floor. "Just that, like, I agreed not to spill. And I don't want to get in trouble for keeping secrets that other people demand I keep." She pursed her lips and challenged Spike with her glare.
He stared at the ceiling. While this was annoying to some degree, it was also incredibly charming. Warming, maybe, was the right word.
"Do you want something to drink?" Buffy asked.
"Sure." Though he wasn't entirely certain whether she was asking about blood or just something in a can.
He followed her into the kitchen and they stood there awkwardly, as if whatever glue had kept them easy and together through the evening had worn away. "Buffy..." he began, but she shoved her hand up. Stop, in the name of love.
"Don't."
"You don't even know what I was going to say."
"Yes, I do. You were going to say that this is too weird and you shouldn't be here blah blah." Dawn came in just then and grabbed a bag of popcorn out of the microwave. That was strange -- he should have noticed the smell, but he didn't. It made Spike wonder if things were already starting to break down the way Wes had said they would.
She looked at them both with unease, then backed out slowly.
"Don't you think it's a valid concern, though?"
"Spike, look. I'm not so good with this stuff, I don't like to get all touchy-feely about things, but... like you said, I have some wisdom now. Not a lot, maybe, but enough to know that all the crap in the past is just that. It's crap in the past. It took me a while to figure it out, but we both did some pretty unspeakable things to each other and used sex as a weapon and I don't think there's any big moral high ground here anymore. It's not like I'm not going to be looking at you and wondering if you're not going to go all crazed vampire again, but... I learned something really important from Giles, and that's that love and forgiveness can change everything. That's how he beat the darkness in Willow, with feelings like that. And it was a great lesson, you know? Because we all have that dark stuff inside of us. I just didn't know it at the time... with you and me, or may be I just didn't want to believe it. So I'm all about the forgiveness these days."
He thought about what having this soul again after all this time meant -- maybe it was about forgiveness. Empathy and understanding and forgiving weren't exactly part of the vampire character set. "You know, it's funny, Will didn't want to believe that, about the darkness... What?" Buffy was staring at him, open-mouthed.
"You saw Willow?" she shouted. Crap. Big mouth strikes again.
"I... yeah. In England. When I was gone. And Giles. I saw Giles too, stayed with them for a bit."
She clutched her head. "Is there ANYone you haven't seen already? Why am I the last to know about this? What is going on around here?"
All the progress they'd made tonight appeared to be evaporating before his eyes. "Uh... I suppose I ought to tell you that I met Angel's crew when I visited him as well. Buffy, I was gone for rather a long time. I had things to sort out and it took me on a few journeys. It's nothing personal." Which, of course, was a bloody joke because it was all about her and always had been.
"Oh my GOD!" She waved a hand melodramatically and knocked a candlestick off the counter, which Spike caught in mid-air. He carefully put it back in the holder and frowned.
He'd never heard her shout so much and wasn't completely clear on just why she was shouting. It seemed especially odd that his travels would make a difference to her, unless she was afraid of him telling everyone about what happened.
"Why does this upset you so much?"
"Because! Because everyone else gets to know that you're okay and haven't gone off and staked yourself except me, and I'm the one doing all the worrying but everyone keeps it all a secret."
"I think they assumed it would be better, after everything that happened. I doubt anyone expected you to forgive me."
Instead of agreeing with him, she only scowled. "Well, they don't know me, then. I never said I wanted you to be drinking holy water or something. That was their interpretation. Geez."
"Maybe that was the right one, though. Maybe you should have been thinking about giving me a holy water bath or tossing flaming crosses my way. You can hardly blame them for thinking that and wondering why you didn't."
"Okay, I hereby declare a moratorium on all discussions of this anymore. You're back, you're okay, I'm okay, and that's that. Understood?"
"Sir, yes sir."
Buffy pinched the bridge of her nose in a very Giles-like way. "Is there anything else you haven't told me? Anything at all? Anyone? Anyone?"
"No, that would pretty much cover it. Except for one really big thing which I am not prepared to talk about right now and -- " he pointed a warning finger at her as she started to open her mouth " -- I will tell you when the time comes but I need to think about it." Again she began to say something and he shushed her harshly. "Let me figure out how." She really was the most stubborn girl. Why was he so drawn to such infuriating women?
Since he wouldn't let her complain, she just huffed and glared at him.
"Besides, all these visits with everyone you haven't heard about are all related, so... I'll tell you when the time comes. And now I really am going."
Dawn was standing near the kitchen, obviously having listened to everything. She flounced over to the sofa, though, pretending he hadn't caught her.
"So, if you two are yelling at each other, things must be back to normal."
"I reckon so."
Dawn put the back of her hand to her forehead. "I know there's all this massive anguish and we're all scarred for life and people do some pretty crappy things to people they say they love and all. I mean, she explained it to me, and I don't wanna know about the rough sex stuff and the whole taking her issues out on you and you letting her thing, because, man, freak city. But she missed you. I know that much."
"Yeah?" Somehow having Dawn say it made it feel different. "And what about you?"
"Don't push me. I'm still a young teenager. I have things to work through."
"Right. Scarred for life." He started for the door.
"There's cartoons." Dawn glared at him when she said it, but it was clearly an invitation as she sat down on one side of the sofa, leaving a spot for him. "Adult Swim, you'll like it. Snarky cartoons for snarky grown-ups. Especially Harvey Birdman. Just your cup of tea with all that weird non-sequitury Brit-type humor."
He plopped down and glanced over at her. Her eyes were intent on the screen, but he could see the faint ghost of a smile on her lips. Then she passed him the popcorn bowl and shouted toward the kitchen, "Buffy, bring him a pop."
Chapter Three: Reconciliation is made through even the smallest of gestures.
He sees thousands of them, maybe hundreds of thousands. Vampires from the darkest age seething below like maggots. But it's the one in front of him that's got his attention, the one carving patterns in his chest with claws like an eagle's. Spike has little blood left to spare but still this ancient demon carves on him while Dru cavorts in the background singing her little dolly songs. Or, no, maybe it's Glory. Sometimes he thinks he sees Buffy. It's not clear in his head. He doesn't even know why they're torturing him, but they act like it's a party and he is their special guest. If ever I needed the witch now, he thinks, but then wonders if the witch still even exists in this world if it's been taken over by so many ancient vampires. A dagger gleams, Drusilla giggles, and then he feels it plunged inside his chest just like carving into a steak. He asks for Buffy before they cut out his heart, but she doesn't answer.
Buffy came down the stairs to find them lying there, heads lolling on the back of the couch, facing toward each other as if they'd fallen asleep in mid-conversation. This would not have surprised her, since Spike had actually done that on a few occasions with her, when they were worn out by lust. However, Dawn was snoring.
I really am a bad mom substitute, letting her stay up this late with a guy who once tried to rape me. A vampire. What will Xander think when he realizes she's made Spike welcome in her life again? Oh, the humanity, oh, the conniptions. But it was so nice to see them like that again after all this time. The Spike who'd become her friend in the least likely way.
Spike still had a can of pop in his hand; she went over to get it so he could sleep more comfortably, and also, so she wouldn't have to clean Pepsi out of the cushions tomorrow morning.
In sleep he twitched and jerked, an animal dreaming. For a moment, so close to him, Buffy almost thought he was warm and alive, something radiated from him like body heat. She took the can out of his hand and held his wrist for a second, but then he muttered, " --om beneath you... devours," and shifted position. She stood back, blinking. That was definitely familiar. Exactly what one of the slayers in her dream said.
And if she wasn't mistaken, Spike's hand was warm and his wrist had a pulse.
End Ch. 6
My lovely cover art by X. Don't take or distribute in any way.
09/12/04