Since I was man
Such sheets of fire, such bursts of horrid thunder
Such groans of roaring wind and rain, I never
Remember to have heard. Man's nature cannot carry
Th' affliction nor the fear.William Shakespeare; King Lear
Vin was already annoyed by their prisoner's ceaseless griping. The man appeared to believe that somehow he was owed better treatment. It hadn't even been a full afternoon's ride. Soon they'd have to make camp and Vin thought that it was time enough at last to teach this fellow a thing or two, especially for every time the fool referred to him as "that damn long-hair." If nothing else, that was making him fed up enough to beat the truth out of him.
Josiah didn't seem in the least perturbed by any of this; his face as he rode along was a show of contemplation and contentment. But in Vin's experience that was always a sign something was going on in his mind, and it would result in a fair amount of suffering for someone else.
By evening they set up camp. Chris wandered over to a watering hole nearby to refill canteens and get water for coffee. Vin watched him, aware of Chris's distance. Maybe, even despite his need to find a connection with other human beings, Chris really wasn't capable of doing that, or at least, not with Vin. Or maybe you could be too close, he reasoned. While he understood how shaming it might be, Vin also figured they were in it together and if he could cope with it, then Chris should be able to as well.
Irritated and bored -- always a dangerous combination for him -- he turned his attention to the prisoner. He hauled the man up on his feet amid much complaining. Josiah was drawn away from tying the horses, coming over to where Vin was.
"Why, are you mistreating our guest, Vin?" he asked in an amused tone.
"I'm thinking he still knows something he ain't telling us. And I don't especially feel like sharing my grub and wasting my time on someone who won't cooperate."
"Not very Christian of you."
"Suppose not." Vin squinted at the man and then shook him hard, pointing in Chris's direction. "See that man over there?"
The prisoner ignored him, not looking toward Chris.
So Vin grabbed him by the chin and turned his face in that direction. "The woman you worked for had his whole family murdered. The way I see it, that makes even more murders you're connected to than just the ones back at her ranch."
"I told you!" the man spat at him. "I don't know nothing about that lady. I worked for Jack Averill from the railroad, and he hired us out to do some work."
"But four of you got away," Josiah said. "Be a real simple thing for her to find you again, finish the job."
"I don't even know what the job is!" he yelled, and Vin yanked hard on his arms, pulling him toward a tree. "Hey!" He stumbled along, fighting as best he could, genuinely scared of Vin by now despite his best show of bravado. Already the long-hair had shoved a rifle at his head, and God only knew what he'd do next.
"Did you know there's a bunch of ways to hang a man without him actually dying?" Vin had pulled a rope off his saddle and started making a knot in it. "Or I could hang you upside down till the blood falls into your head and it swolls up. Really painful, I hear, and a slow way to die. So in the meantime I can ask you questions."
"I don't know nothing!"
Josiah shook his head at Vin. "Can't get water from a stone, Vin. The man says he don't know anything."
Vin looked at Josiah very seriously. "Now, Josiah, has anyone ever really tried? Maybe there's water there if you know where to look. Or maybe that's blood. What's the saying again?" He was tying a knot as he talked. " 'sides, I don't really believe all that much in coincidence. Him showing up in town, not too long after everything happened... just seems kinda funny, if you ask me."
Nodding, Josiah answered, "I will agree with you about that." As he said this, Chris walked up and raised an eyebrow as he looked at Vin. "We're discussing the merits of believing this man's story that he doesn't know anything about -- well, anything. Or if we should believe he in fact knows more than he's telling, and get it out of him."
"Least he could do is tell us his name before we hang him," Chris said disinterestedly.
The prisoner looked from one to the other, sweating, shaking.
"Well, you know, now that gives me an idea," Vin said. "Since the lady who bought you all was so partial to fire and seeing as how you escaped while we were trying to save our town from a fire, I'm thinking maybe that there's another way to get you talking." He walked back to the fire, picked up a piece of wood and got the end burning with a small flame. "String him up."
Josiah tied the rope quickly around the man's ankles, threw the rope over the limb, and he and Chris hauled the man up with a vicious jerk. They stretched the rope tight and tied it to another limb, with the man screaming the whole time.
Vin walked up to him and squinted down at the fellow's face. "Now, you *sure* you don't got nothing to tell me?"
"Stop it! Stop this lunatic! What in hell is wrong with you?" he screamed, jerking and trying to get away from Vin.
Vin grinned. "Why, that ain't friendly or helpful."
Chris and Josiah looked at each other, and Josiah shrugged.
"Didn't know Vin had such a temper," Chris said conversationally.
"Surprise, surprise." Josiah said, not really to Chris but more to the man hanging from the tree, "It's always the quiet ones you got to watch out for."
Josiah liked Vin when he was like this. Gleefully vengeful. The competent, quiet confidence in him was well-used when it came to such things. And this poor misguided sinner had no idea what he was really up against -- a man who wanted to protect someone he cared for, for whom protecting and caring was a calling.
"Jamison! Hogarth Jamison!" the man shouted.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Vin asked.
"It's my name!"
Vin looked at Chris and Josiah, and they shrugged in unison. "What the hell kind of name is Hogarth?" Vin asked, grinning.
"It's my name! It's just my name! Let me down!"
For fun, Vin spun him around. "Well, now, it's nice of you to tell us your name after all this trouble, so's at least we know what to call you on your grave marker." He stuck the flaming end of the wood near Jamison's face. "But I still got a notion you know more than you're telling."
Jamison jerked his face away from the glowing ember of wood, but Vin just kept poking it at him, back and forth, as Jamison hollered. Finally he yelled, "All right! All right! She asked around for us. Said there was work we agreed to do and we weren't finished. She's got someone working for her and he came after us. I don't know where she is and I don't know what his name is."
Josiah ambled back to the tree limb and untied the rope, dropping Jamison unceremoniously to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Vin stood over him holding the wood close to Jamison's face. But this time his voice was harsh and deep instead of masking laughter. "And why were you in Four Corners then?"
Twitching his face away, Jamison gasped for the breath that had been knocked out of him. He looked in Chris's direction. "I was supposed to look for him and make sure he was there. That's all."
"Guess you ain't the smartest fella around, then, are you?" Josiah said, leaning over him. "When you got a job to do, you don't go busting up saloon gals and shooting at lawmen. Tends to call undue attention to oneself."
All Jamison could do in response was curl into a ball. If he'd had any confidence before that he could get out of this, it was all gone now. He was as good as dead either way, so what did escape matter?
"We ain't going to hang you," the long-hair said to him. "Or kill you; not here. That's for the judge to decide. But you'll go back and this time you'll stand for what you done."
He felt the rope being taken from around his ankles and then heard them walk away back toward the fire. It was starting to get dark, so he hauled himself up and hobbled over to the fire. Whether they even bothered now to take him back to town for a trial didn't even matter; if this long-hair or that tall fellow who went mad on him back at the jail was any indication, he'd be dead before he could even get a trial. He sat down, shaking like a drunk without his bottle, and waited to see if they would even so much as feed him.
Chris turned his back on them and wandered farther away, back to the watering hole that was buzzing with mosquitoes and Junebugs. Vin watched him go, but busied himself giving Jamison at least a little food and water even though he wasn't in the mood to spare much. He sat and ate some, keeping his gaze on Chris. After a time he got up and walked over there, sitting down on the log next to his friend.
In Chris's hand was a small piece of wood, beginning to take form as a horse under his knife. "What's on your mind?" Vin asked.
Chris didn't look at him in return. "What makes you think I got something on my mind?"
"You always whittle when you're serious-like."
This earned a short, sharp little laugh from Chris. "Do I?"
"Yup."
He put his knife away and the piece of wood in his pocket. Vin realized he'd made a mistake then. Chris would never want to be known so well, he would shy from such a thing. Vin started to get up, but Chris put his hand on his arm.
"It's all right. Don't worry on it." Chris didn't look at him when he said it, though.
Vin looked at him quizzically.
"I don't mind. Least, I shouldn't mind," Chris responded.
The only response Vin could give was a nod. Chris could leave him tongue-tied in the most ordinary of circumstances, but the way things had been lately, Vin couldn't figure out if he was coming or going. He could think of a thousand things he'd like to say, there had to be words for the way things were between them, but he couldn't get them to come out. Like all the letters he'd learned recently had a life of their own and were staying put, refusing to be put into words inside his mouth. And how could he say what he wanted to, anyway, so Chris wouldn't run?
Chris had to feel awkward. But Chris would also have to know they both felt that way, that Vin wasn't going to do something to embarrass them or put him in a bad position. Didn't he know that?
"Sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself. Never planned on that again in my life," Chris admitted.
Vin turned his head away, looking at the trees. He wondered if Josiah was getting on okay with Jamison, but not enough to get up and check. Maybe he should try a different tack with Chris.
"Don't what he said worry on you?"
Chris sighed. "Don't know that I believe it."
This shocked Vin completely. "You got someone telling you she's around and looking for you, but you don't believe it."
"That ain't what I meant. I mean to say that it all seems too hard to believe. Can't quite accept it's true."
Vin wasn't totally sure he understood what Chris meant, but he stayed quiet, waiting for Chris to finish on his own. Presently, Chris said, "It's a hard thing to accept, that you're the cause of so much pain and misery. It ain't the picture you want to have of yourself."
"The lady was off her head, Chris. None of that's your fault, exactly."
"But it don't matter. She killed people because she wanted me in her life. Don't matter why she's mad, it only matters that the focus of her madness was me. All these folks who've suffered and died because she wanted me. How does a man live with that?"
Shaking his head, Vin answered, "I don't know. I only know that no one blames you. And if we find her, this time she won't get away. She'll pay." He put his hand lightly on Chris's forearm. "Maybe, if she does, then you can let it go."
This surprised Chris, enough that he blinked at Vin. "Don't think I could ever forget it." He was stunned that Vin would think he could forget about his family and the suffering of so many other people.
"No, not forget about what was important to you. Let go of feeling like you was responsible. You ain't the one at fault here. But I don't know that until we catch her and make her pay, you can ever stop believing that."
Now Chris knew for certain that Vin knew him too well. Yet he didn't feel crowded by it, or cornered, something surprising in itself. "How do you make amends for it, though? I was all set to go with her. Go with the woman who was responsible for killing my family, for killing other people. Like I was spitting on their memory."
"Ain't no one who'd think that, least of all people who loved you."
Chris wondered for a moment if Vin was one of those people, if he cared that much even after Chris had so cruelly turned him away when Vin tried to point out the truth. It was not something he could ask, certainly. But God, it was wonderful to think someone would care about him through all of it, would stand by him no matter what happened. He didn't even deserve this, yet he had it.
"Something I ain't told you yet."
Chris turned to him in surprise, wondering exactly what Vin had up his sleeve this time. "Keeping secrets from me now?"
"Not a chance. Just wasn't sure you were ready for it." He took a breath. "I went back to Ella's place, day before I came to see you when you was having your little fit."
Chris grinned at him. He liked that Vin never took him too seriously, even when he took himself so seriously. "Why?"
"I wanted to see... well, Ezra was suggesting we sell it, take the money for the rest of the family, Ella's husband's family, I mean. And I wasn't so sure about that. I wanted to maybe just burn it to the ground. But I thought I should go see it, see if any squatters had moved in, and it was the strangest thing. My horse got so spooked I couldn't hardly get him under control. And I felt something that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up."
"You sound like some eastern society lady with her seances."
"I know," Vin said, almost laughing.
But Chris was all seriousness again. "What did you see there?"
"Not a thing," Vin said, shaking his head. "Looked upstairs, nothing was touched. Nothing in the bunkhouse or the barn, either. Everything was empty."
"But you thought something was there. Someone?"
"Probably just being foolish."
"Might be able to believe that and brush it off if you was the foolish type. But you ain't."
Vin nodded. "So you going to let us keep an eye on you, then? Believe she's out there somewhere?"
Nodding in return, Chris said, "We're going to get her. But we have some business to attend to first."
"I'll take first watch tonight," Vin said, not quite certain if he wanted Chris to argue with him in order to make way for a repeat of the other night. He still couldn't make heads or tails of his feelings about all that, and he wanted Chris to say something -- good or bad -- simply to help Vin figure out what in hell he thought of the whole thing. Except Chris didn't argue with him, he just pulled his hat back on. "But we're sticking close to you, whether you want it or not. I ain't letting anything happen to you."
Chris stared silently past the watering hole for a long time, lost in something, Vin didn't know what. He understood and was comfortable with silence, but there was a place Chris seemed to go in his mind that Vin couldn't follow and it rankled him. Right now he didn't know if Chris was chafing at the attention, or if he was still feeling bad about the open emotion he'd shown to Vin so often lately, or all the things they'd done and said to each other. Vin didn't much care what the reason was, he just wanted Chris to stop being disgusted with himself or believing that Vin himself must be disgusted.
Vin got up and dusted his seat off. "I'm a stubborn man once I've made my mind up to something."
They both looked at each other in total surprise, blinking at what they understood now between them, and then Vin walked away. From behind him, Chris said, "Don't give up on me yet, Vin."
Looking back over his shoulder a little, Vin gave him a short nod and said, "Couldn't even if I wanted to." When he was back at their camp, he looked at Chris as he stood by the water, motionless and pensive, the edges of his serape fluttering in the wind. It had taken some time for Vin to understand that as much as Chris was fighting his way out of misery, it might be the only place he was really at home. Chris had learned to love his sorrows, Vin thought, they were a part of his life and as much a part of him as a limb or an organ. And maybe Chris's sorrows loved him, they kept the heart beating inside his chest and the skin around him intact, they eased him and soothed him. Possibly there was no place for someone else inside his life, because there was no room left beside those miseries and grief.
It didn't even matter that what was between them now was between two men, Vin was starting to think, as wrong as it should be. What mattered was that Chris could not be certain how to live his life without that familiar ache, and Vin wasn't even sure that he should try to step in the way. Maybe this was who Chris had to be and it wasn't for Vin to figure out ways to ease his troubled heart.
When Chris turned back toward them, he could see Vin watching him. It didn't bother him, really; before he might have been irritated, thinking Vin was watching him like a mother hen, but he knew it came from someplace different. It wasn't like Buck when he overtended to Chris. It was a respectful concern, a kind of quiet, humble observance from a quiet, humble man. A long time ago he'd accepted the fact that people wanted to tend to him when they got to know him, probably because he wore his heart on his sleeve. But of all the people who'd acted that way toward him, Vin was the only one who didn't make him feel crowded.
He'd slipped in under Chris's defenses, quiet as a cat, and now Chris felt like Vin was almost holding him up completely the farther he sank. They'd both stopped their travelling at the time they'd met; even when they split up, they came back together, until this last time when Ella had almost sealed it. Chris wondered if maybe there was some hint of destiny in that. The simple fact that Vin had stayed in one place against his nature and his judgment told Chris so many things, all of which he'd ignored until now.
In all his life, he'd never been one to think about the future, preferring to live his life as it came. But for the first time in ages Chris started to picture what might happen beyond the horizon line, and it took no effort at all for that picture to include Vin. Even if he hadn't quite put together a notion of how things would work, how he could fit this part of his life together with who he'd been in the past, Chris knew one thing: Vin Tanner was worth it. A life with him in it, no matter how he fit, was better than any life without him.
Love was a kind of surrender. It had always been so hard for Chris to give up parts of himself, to allow someone to hold on to his heart. Trust them to know his soul. The rewards of surrendering, though, were treasures, Chris had learned. When love was true, trust and friendship and devotion came along with it. He'd made a mistake with Ella, he'd based his notions of her on something he'd known from long ago. But with Vin, even if it wasn't the natural order of things, even if it was just one more reason for them both to burn in hell, there were no mistakes. Surrendering his affections to Vin had such a ring of truth to it that he couldn't believe it had taken him all this time to figure it out.
When he got back to the camp, Vin nodded at him in acknowledgement as Chris made himself a spot to sleep on. Chris could still taste Vin from the other night, still feel the heat of his skin and see the surprise and desire in his wide eyes. That was enough to take him into sleep, contented with his future for at least these few moments, not a prisoner of his past sorrows.
When they arrived back in Four Corners they went largely unnoticed in the bustling activity of a town repairing from near disaster. The sounds of hammering, sawing, and chopping were everywhere, and voices rang through the town. Buck was carrying lumber when he saw them, dropping it in a heap as they rode up.
"Well, looks like we're in for a neck-stretching party!" he shouted, rubbing his hands together.
"Now, Buck," Chris drawled, "the Judge has got to do the trial first, so don't get excited."
"Well, at least the gallows won't have to be rebuilt. The fire kindly stayed away from that!" Buck said.
Vin and Josiah hauled Jamison off the horse, and JD joined them to drag him over to the jail. Over his shoulder, Vin said to Buck, "Fella admitted he's working for Ella Gaines."
Taken aback, Buck looked from Vin to Chris, and then back again. "And he's," Buck gestured at Chris, "just out here, wandering around like he's out for a Sunday stroll? I don't like the sound of that much."
Josiah said, "You know what a bull-headed man Chris is. He'll deal with it in his own time."
But that didn't mollify Buck at all. "Just the same, I don't like the sound of all this." He scowled at Chris.
Chris came up next to him and patted him on the shoulder. "I'll be all right. Between you and Vin fretting over me, and now we've got this Jamison in custody, I don't think I'm in any great danger. Besides, once I take care of some personal business, we're going out and we're looking for *her*."
That wasn't what Buck wanted to hear. He frequently thought Chris was too cavalier about his own safety, although he certainly knew Chris would say the same thing about him.
The rest of them went inside, leaving Buck with Chris and Nathan.
"I just don't like you goin' out on your own," Buck said.
Nathan wisely said nothing.
"You're crowding me, Buck," Chris said testily. "I don't need a mother."
"Suit yourself, cowboy, but I don't like it. Can't you at least do whatever you got to with Vin or even me riding shotgun?"
"Look, Buck. Ella may be out of her head, but she ain't stupid. She won't come for me. She's already shown that by sending that weasel to do her dirty work." He pointed inside the jail. "I'll be fine. Be back before you know it."
Nathan shook his head. "I ain't one for interfering, you know that. But I think this ain't all there is to the picture."
Chris patted his shoulder again and walked away from them. Buck shook his head, shrugged his shoulders, and looked exasperatedly at Nathan. "I've known that man for a long time. But I'll be damned if I understand him. Sometimes I think he just goes out looking for trouble. Like he wants..."
"To die?" Nathan asked quietly.
Buck looked at him sharply. But Nathan was right, that was exactly what he was thinking. "Maybe so. Like he courts it or something."
"I think he used to. Don't think he does it so much no more. He got friends here, Buck, people to care for. Maybe he just don't know how to let go of all that sadness, though. Or maybe he thinks he can live through anything now 'cause he got a reason to."
Chris knew they'd be discussing the merits of letting him go off on his own, but he couldn't bear the thought of being watched like that by so many eyes. It was one thing for Vin to fret over him; quite another to have the whole group of them wringing their hands about what to do. And it didn't matter how many men Ella hired, the fact was she was only one woman, one crazy woman, and she couldn't present nearly the danger to him they liked to fancy.
It didn't take him long to fill up his warbag with some food and bullets, spare clothes, and some whisky for the trip. He'd have to camp tonight, leaving this late, but if he rode straight through he should make it by tomorrow mid-morning. He wished he had time to check in with Mary and with Ezra to see how things were progressing with the money, but this had been on his mind since the fire and he wouldn't be able to think of anything else until then.
As he rode out of town he could see all the effort to rebuild the portions ruined by fire, the sign that his plan was being put to work. Everyone appeared busy, not nearly as dejected and hopeless as he'd feared. That was of some comfort to him.
He wasn't precisely looking forward to this, but he'd learned over time that the things you *had* to do were rarely the things you felt excited to do. Ever since Ady Janson had told him most of Eagle Bend and the area around it had burned, he'd needed to see for himself what had become of his old place. Vin and Buck would understand if he explained, but he had a hard time talking about it to others. Sometimes he clung too tightly to the past, but it was trying to have so little of the physical to hang on to. He dwelled in memory because that was all that was left to him.
The photograph Vin had given him helped, for even while Sarah and Adam's faces faded from his mind, he could look at that now. Vin had helped him more than he realized.
The road ahead of him was filled with blackened fields and the charred skeletons of trees. He had a bad feeling he knew what awaited him, but he was the type to have to see it for himself. Chris just hoped Vin understood why he had to go on this journey alone.
"Where's Chris?" Vin asked when he joined some of the boys later in the saloon.
"Gone," was all JD said, frowning at his cards, then peering suspiciously at Ezra, certain he had done something with the deck.
Smacking him lightly on the back of the head, Vin walked around the table and sat down with his beer. "Gone *where*?"
"Uh, sorry. I don't know. He left after you brought the prisoner in."
Ezra nodded his head. "I believe Buck was aware of his destination."
Vin took a few sips of his beer. "I was just over to the jail. Buck didn't say nothing about him leaving."
Raising his eyebrows at Vin, Ezra said, "Did you ask him?"
That earned a sharp look from Vin. "I think considerin' the circumstances, Buck would have told me if Chris was doing a foolish thing like that."
"Maybe he didn't think it was a foolish thing," JD said brightly. "You know Chris. He don't like to be paid too much attention."
Ezra and Vin looked at each other in surprise. "My, my," Ezra said sarcastically. "Aren't you the student of human nature."
"No call for insults, Ezra," JD said cockily.
Vin shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Now, I'd love to sit around jawin' with you, but I'm more interested in finding Chris. He shouldn't be out on his own, 'less there's someone to watch his back." He got up and started for the door, but Ezra cleared his throat and Vin turned back toward him.
"Do you really think she'd find him and do something? I don't mean to doubt you, Mr. Tanner, I have the utmost respect for your perspicacity, especially where it concerns Miss Gaines, but do you think she'd be so foolish as to kidnap him or kill him?"
"She tried once before." Vin still hadn't been able to shake his dream of the other night. The image of that pure white lawn handkerchief drifting slowly to the ground stuck in his mind like a sliver. "She hired someone to kill his family. What makes you think she'd stop there?"
"Of course. You're right. But the best course of action would be to go after her, rather than letting her decide how things play out." Ezra knew that Chris wanted to find her, punish her, and he was surprised that Chris would let anything deter him from that direction. But then, Chris frequently had surprised him lately, especially when he'd given Ezra the money and allowed him to be responsible for it. Which, he suddenly remembered, he had not given Vin.
"Oh, and by the way, you are richer today than you were yesterday."
This day was getting more peculiar every moment, Vin thought. "I ain't got the least notion what you're talking about."
"Stutz's ill-gotten gain. Mr. Larabee put me in charge of distributing the cash to the unfortunate victims of the conflagration."
"Oh yeah, he told me about that."
JD interjected, "And now we all have some of it, too. A lot!"
It would come in handy, of course, but money had never meant that much to Vin. "So we're keeping some of it?" Chris hadn't mentioned that part to him. And anyway, he hadn't had any time to think about this, or care. More important things to put his mind to.
"Indeed," Ezra said dryly. "I've been empowered to distribute the largesse of the last thousand among us. Not exactly a windfall, but enough that we could possibly get you to a barber." He gestured at Vin's hair.
"Well, you just hang on to my piece, will you? More pressing things to do than get my hair cut." He smiled at Ezra, enjoying the thought of the money burning a hole in his pocket.
"Are you planning to ride out right now?" JD asked.
"I got to talk to Buck first, find out what Chris said exactly. But then I reckon to head yonder to his place, before I get a panic on."
"You'll miss the dance tonight if you leave now," JD said.
A sense of dread seized Vin, squeezing his heart. "Dance?" he asked, thinking of that awful nightmare the other night.
Ezra made a sound of disapproval in his throat, and said, "Well, as much as one can have in this burg. A party of sorts, to celebrate our survival." He looked curiously at Vin. "Whatever is the matter with you, Vin? You're as white as a ghost."
That was a little too much for Vin and he turned away from Ezra, walking out the door with the other two following him. He couldn't even imagine telling Chris about that dream and its effect on him, let alone telling these two. Ezra would never let something like that go; Vin would be mocked by everyone for the rest of his life here.
It wasn't like he thought it was a clairvoyant dream -- he didn't really believe in that sort of thing -- but all this had aroused his superstitions. The unreality of the events of the past week or so only made it all seem highly suspicious.
Vin turned to JD. "I ain't much for dancing, anyways."
"That's not true!" JD countered. "I remember you dancing up a storm with Charlotte when we--" he looked puzzledly at Ezra, who was making throat-cutting motions next to Vin.
"Let's just say I don't want to dance right now, all right?" He was growing cross and didn't want to take his nerves out on the kid or on Ezra, since they'd all been getting on so well lately. He walked off down the street, listening to JD humphing after him. And quietly, so that he could barely hear it, Ezra said, "Something is vexing him." It still didn't make Vin want to bare his soul.
Instead of finding Buck at the jail, though, he saw Josiah instead. "Where's Buck? I wanted to ask him where Chris went."
Josiah looked at their prisoner and then back at Vin. "Well, Buck was getting a little carried away with tormenting our man here. Nathan thought it best to give him something else to do." He grinned broadly when he said it.
"Easy to do," Vin said dryly. "Feller like him brings out the worst in someone."
"True. Are you heading out after Chris, then?"
Vin sat on the edge of the desk and nodded.
"But you seem worried," Josiah said. "You don't really think he's in danger, do you?"
Considering it for some time, Vin was quiet and stared at the floor. Finally he said, "Do you believe that dreams can turn real?"
"You mean like foretelling the future?"
Vin nodded.
"I suppose. There's some folks think the mind can only tell you things you need to know when you're asleep. That dreams are a way of finding out what we're really thinking or feeling. 'Course, I don't know what I believe about that." He studied Vin a bit, and then said in a conversational tone, "This got anything to do with that strange feeling you got when you went to Ella's spread? All this seems connected, to you?"
It never failed that Josiah saw right through him, and Vin gave a shy smile, nodding. "I know how mad it sounds, maybe that's why I can't even quite say it myself. And then I even start to wonderin' if she could have started that wildfire herself."
"Be a stupid way to try to get Chris back. You can control a small fire, but not something that large. No, I think that much is coincidence. As for the rest, I'm willing to believe that your mind is telling you something maybe you're not aware of. You'd do best to listen to it."
Josiah didn't like to give too much credit to things like superstition and nerves, but he also believed there was much more to the world than the physical. Traditional spiritual pursuits aside, his mind had been opened up enough by studying other religions and peoples that he believed it benefited everyone to keep their minds open. The more prepared you were for the unlikely, the better. And he trusted Vin's instincts. Anyone spending that much time alone out in lonely prairies or long trails, with the unnerving quality of those vast distances and the constant possibility of death, would have a good sense of what was right with the world and what was wrong. If Vin thought that things were wrong here, then Josiah didn't doubt they just might be.
"In that case, guess I better get after Chris, then. Figure out what I got on my own mind, and keep an eye on him at the same time."
Josiah laughed loudly at that, waving him on his way. As he stepped out the door, Josiah said to him, "Vin. If you got such bad feelings about all this, be careful. Be extra careful." He didn't want to push the matter and he knew that Vin would want to help Chris on his own, but he couldn't ignore the possibilities here.
By the time Vin was ready to ride, Ezra had come back after him. He seemed all seriousness and concern, quite a contrast to how he'd been earlier in the saloon.
"I think your nerves are spreading."
Raising an eyebrow, Vin quirked his head and finished tightening the straps.
Ezra continued, "I've got a distinctly uncomfortable feeling about this whole situation now. Before you go out, I'd like you to take this." He handed Vin the Derringer that he kept up his sleeve, along with the contraption he'd built for sliding it out.
"Aw, no," Vin replied, holding his hands up. "I got everything I need. And we can't leave you with nothing."
"I insist." Ezra patted both the gun resting on his hip and the one in his shoulder holster. "Besides, I think I'm ready for anything! And it's certainly helped me in more than a few situations to have something completely unexpected at my disposal in the event of trouble." He pulled at Vin's coat. "Let's take this wretched piece of animal hide off you and I'll show you how it goes."
He helped Vin strap it on. Since Vin was a bit taller, it fit slightly higher on the wrist. Vin still wasn't certain he wanted to take it, but he knew that to reject Ezra's offer again would be an insult in the face of such generosity and concern. He untied the reins from around the hitching rail.
"There," Ezra said, pleased with himself. "Now, just in case you're ambushed or otherwise taken by surprise, you will at least have some kind of backup."
Swinging into the saddle, Vin looked down at Ezra and reached out to shake his hand. "Thanks, Ezra. It's very kind, indeed. I don't think anything bad'll happen, least not for a while until we go out looking for her. But I'm mighty grateful." Ezra gave his hand a firm shake, and he took off.
Vin was at the end of town, heading in the direction of Chris's place, when he heard Buck call out after him. He came riding up on his big grey. "No, sir! Not that way!"
"Well, then, which way?" Vin asked with some amusement. "I been looking for you, *now* you show up."
"Other end of town. Towards Eagle Bend."
Reining around, Vin asked, "He say why or what he was looking for?"
"Nope. Seemed like he had something on his mind, though." He peered hard at Vin. "You know what's eating him?"
"I might," Vin said, wondering at how he had displaced Buck in the role of being the one who was expected to understand Chris's thoughts. "But I think I'm mostly just going to keep an eye on him, stay back and not crowd him."
"You do that, then." Buck leaned over and shook Vin's hand, a gesture that surprised Vin completely. "No one better to watch his back. But you watch yours, too."
He rode off and Vin watched him for a moment before spurring his own horse and riding away. It wasn't even a challenge to follow Chris's path, and before long he'd caught up with him. He didn't push too hard, staying back a bit so that whatever Chris was aiming to do, he'd be able to, but safely. There'd been enough times that Chris had gone off half-cocked and they'd all assumed him to be safe when in fact he wasn't, so Vin didn't necessarily trust that everything would go smoothly anymore.
Chris may have had a stubborn streak a mile long, but that didn't mean Vin had to honor it. He was every bit as stubborn, and he had one goal in mind right now -- keeping Chris safe. Nothing else mattered to him. Even without that dream preying on his peace of mind, even if Jamison had not shown up in town or admitted his employment by Ella, Vin would still be jumpy about things as they were.
It was getting on dusk and Chris would make camp soon. Wherever he was headed, it was taking them through the worst of the fire damage. The land around him was charred and stark, the few trees burned down to stumps in most cases, or leafless and blackened by soot. It mirrored his bleakness right now. He tried to think of Chris's words the other day, that he should not give up on him, but somehow his leaving town so quickly and without a word to Vin made that more difficult. Vin made camp himself and settled in to sleep. He wouldn't ever give up on Chris, really, no matter how it played out. But he had no idea just how far he'd have to go to follow him.
Everything was gone now. Before, only the house had been gutted by the fire, but everything else had remained untouched. Even last year when he'd been here with Blackfox, most of it was still relatively intact, weathered these past few years, but intact. He'd kept this land in spite of its laying abandoned, unable to give it up completely and sever that link with his past.
Now, all around him, nothing but blackness. The hills that rolled up behind the western part of the property were carved by black paths; most of the trees had burned away. The windmill was reduced to cinders, even the stone foundation of the house was coated with soot and ash, crumbled in parts because of the heat. But the worst was the grave markers. He could see only faintly the outline of the small fence that ringed their graves, its pickets receded to tiny nubs in the earth. Chris knelt down on the filthy ground, groping in the cinders to find any hint of the markers. After a time he dug up a small piece of wood, charred and patterned with cracks and lines. He smudged away some of the char and could make out that it was from the crosspiece, two sections of wood barely held together by a weakened nail. Only part of a letter remained, and he could not tell whether it was Sarah's or Adam's.
Chris clutched the piece and knelt there in silence, listening to the wind wash harshly across this barren spot, where before it had rustled softly through tree limbs and rippled the long grasses. Inside him such a pain arose as to take his breath away, squeezing his lungs and his heart. Before, he could pretend there was something left of them besides a memory; now that was gone, as if he'd committed such wrongs that even his last trace of them had to be stolen away in an everlasting punishment. There was nothing crueler than God when he was wronged. If Chris had not sinned against their memory, would this fire have taken everything away, or spared it? Fire was the true hand of God, a killing hand.
He thought of Ady Janson and everything his family lost. Sad, he'd called it. What was the difference between sad and tragic? Chris wondered. Was it only your personal experience that made you think such a thing was merely sad, rather than truly tragic? He clutched his fingers around the piece of wood, hot tears of shame and rage testing against the corners of his eyes. He could not break down again, absolutely would not, but it welled up inside him like a tide, pushing against his resolve.
About a hundred yards away Vin had left his horse ground-tied and walked closer to where he saw Chris dismount. He had not been here before, but he knew right away that this must be Chris's old property. His heart sank at the apprehension of it, the ruined remains of something already lost and horribly painful. Through his spyglass he watched Chris, but when he could see Chris's head drop, the way he knelt motionless with his hands resting palms up on his knees, Vin knew it was time to stop following Chris and go to him. It was worth the risk of being hollered at, because Chris needed friendship right now.
When he'd asked Chris a few days ago what it had been like to be married, the answer Chris gave had surprised him. Somehow he'd thought to hear grander words. But that it had been so simple and plain made Vin realize all the more how much it had been for Chris to lose. Something grand and romantic would be outside what Vin really knew of affection, so he could not hold it as dear to his heart; simple, honest truths like Chris had described he could figure. Only now maybe Vin felt it too much, because his heart was cracked in two over the despair he must now feel.
He approached Chris on foot. As he got closer Vin could see that his shoulders shook. It was difficult to reconcile, seeing him like this again and knowing how deep these wounds ran. Every time Vin thought the bleeding had been stanched, it seemed to begin anew, cut after cut after cut, right from his heart.
Trying to pull himself under control, Chris had become aware of someone's presence, but not concerned enough to turn around or draw his gun. Even far away, he could tell it was Vin. Chris gulped in a deep breath and dropped the piece of marker onto the black ground. Then Vin walked up to him, calling his name. He stood at his back and said, "Chris, it's me." Chris nodded his head, but had no real desire to get up. Vin put his hand on Chris's shoulder, holding it there for a moment, and then he knelt down beside him.
What point was there in hiding his feelings from Vin? They had been so much to each other that it was useless to pretend he was in control of his emotions, that he wasn't full up with despair. He'd thought to get here and see the damage, aware that he would feel a rush of pain wash over him at beholding it, but still he thought he could get back to town in one piece, be calm. Everyone would be none the wiser.
Of course it would be Vin who would come after him and find him. If there was anyone truer than Vin, he could not imagine it. Slowly he turned his face to look at Vin, trying a wan smile on for good measure, but he could barely muster that. Vin looked at him evenly, not saying anything, laying his cut-down Winchester on the ground. "How'd you know it was me? Could have been anyone sneakin' up on you."
"Wouldn't be anybody else. I could always tell."
"See right through me, don't you?" Vin saw the path that tears had cut along Chris's dusty face, and had the urge to smooth them away, but he thought that inappropriate here. "Did you expect this?"
"Some," Chris said, hitching in a shuddering breath. "Spoke to a man from near here, back after the fire. He told me nearly everything was wiped off the land, and I wanted to come here, hoping that maybe... somehow this would be spared, I suppose. Since we'd already had our own hell here once. But it wasn't spared."
"No." Vin picked up the charred wood. "Was this a grave marker?"
Chris nodded solemnly and wiped the back of his hand across his face. "I don't even know which one it is. And it's all that's left."
"It ain't all. They're in your heart, they'll always be there."
"I can scarcely remember their faces. If you hadn't given me that picture, I'm not even sure what I'd do. Because they're almost gone now. It's like I lost them because I lost who I was, when I was with Ella."
"All's you're forgetting is their faces. But you won't forget the feeling of them." For a while he considered what he could say to make Chris feel less guilt. "I think that we're supposed to forget some things, so we can go on. But you never forget the feeling of them."
Chris just looked at him sadly. "It would have been better to never feel that way."
"That ain't true, and I know you know it." Vin took a lock of Chris's hair between his thumb and forefinger, and smoothed it back against his head. He touched his fingertips lightly to Chris's cheekbone, but did not linger. It would be wrong to be so forward, in this place, at this time. And yet the way Chris allowed this made Vin feel more certain than he had for days that Chris had the same affections for him.
"Adam was so young, I figure he was only beginning to understand that he had parents who loved each other, who loved him. Knew what that meant. And then to leave him so abandoned, so alone, to die like that. He never really knew how I felt. How could he? He was just a small boy." Chris's breath came out in a raggedy little sigh, his shoulders shaking with it.
"He knew. Believe me, he knew."
At first those words sounded like nothing more than the usual platitudes people uttered upon learning of his loss, when they couldn't possibly know how it felt for him or how his family had felt, but then the light of understanding grew within him, painfully. God, of course Vin knew.
Chris looked down, then up at Vin from under his brows. He could not imagine ever living his life without this friendship.
"How did I get here, Vin? How'd I get so far from everything I should have done?"
The afternoon sun cast its light against them, lending its soft shadow to the angles of Chris's face. Vin would need to get Chris on his feet and going soon so they could be far away from these ghosts by the time night fell. If they rode hard they could reach Chris's place by night. And it would be safest to get him out of here so he could absorb everything and take steps to move ahead. That was how Chris was, Vin had learned so recently -- he had to get the feelings out before he could cope and do what he needed to.
"You didn't stray so far."
"I lost them. I nearly lost you. Maybe most of all I lost myself."
Touching Chris's shoulder, Vin said, "You can't be that lost now, nor never again. Because I will always be there to find you. You'll never lose your way."
He stood up and put his hands under Chris's arms, then hauled him up onto his unsteady feet. Once Chris dusted himself off and put his hat back on he looked at Vin, when such an intense swell of affection washed over him that he felt wobbly again. Vin would always find him. But he'd known that, in a way, since the moment they'd met. It had just taken him all this time to really understand it. He'd had to hear Vin say it.
You could spend your whole life looking for someone as caring and true as this. If you were lucky, you found it once; if you were even luckier than you had a right to be, you found it twice. He didn't believe he deserved it, but he had it. Both of them had not even known they were lost and had found each other, recognizing it instantly. Something in the glint of an eye or the twitch of a head, or maybe even the tone of a voice, but they'd known it. He was warmed by the knowledge of finding this, of being found by Vin. He could endure anything.
Taking Chris's hand, Vin hooked his thumb around Chris's and they clutched each other's hands tightly for a moment. Vin bent down and picked up the piece of wood and put it in Chris's pocket. They walked in silence back to their horses, which were both getting restless, and turned back in the direction of Four Corners. Chris looked back over his shoulder, wondering if he'd ever see this place again, or even if he should. Then he turned to Vin, nodded, and they rode away.
But he hadn't looked far enough to see the faint shape of a rider on the hill to the west who had been pacing back and forth, watching them. As soon as they were out of range the rider turned and galloped off over the crest of the hill.
They rode by starlight through the woods just before getting to Chris's place, but knowing Vin was leading them -- with his ability to locate anything in any situation -- Chris was perfectly comfortable. By the time they reached the clearing of his property he began to feel better, feel like a rational man again in spite of everything he'd been through today. After they took care of the horses and got their gear away, Vin shyly stammered out that he was going to the creek and grabbed the water bucket.
He ambled off, a little embarrassed to admit to washing up for Chris. Vin just didn't want to spend any time close to Chris without having cleaned up a little. Maybe they wouldn't repeat what had happened the other night; he wasn't even certain yet whether he thought they should, but if it happened, he certainly wasn't going to be filthy and sweaty. The water was cool as he wiped the grime away, and it gave him time to consider what he wanted and what he thought Chris wanted.
When he came back Chris was standing on the porch, wiping at his own face with a sacking towel. Vin stood still for a moment, hesitating at the porch line. Chris beckoned to him, and tentatively, Vin followed.
They went inside Chris's place, where he had already lit the lamp in the corner. They'd been away for many days now and everything had picked up a coating of ash dust, even though the fire hadn't come this far. Vin threw his gear down in the corner, as well as his coat, rig, and hat.
"Something to drink?" Chris asked.
"A little whisky will do me just fine," Vin said, smiling. He felt self-conscious of a sudden, worried that he would do or say the wrong thing, just *be* wrong somehow.
Chris poured both of them a shot and handed one to Vin, but just set his own on the table. He hung his hat on the back of the chair and then put his rig away, clearing a space on the bunk. He took the empty glass back from Vin, who arched an eyebrow at him in amusement.
"Not even gonna offer me another? I'll drink yours if you don't want it -- don't want good whisky to go to waste."
Instead of answering Chris kissed him with hard, quick kisses that burned Vin's mouth. Chris's fingers tangled in his hair and Vin put his own hands on Chris's shoulders, up along his neck.
When Chris stepped back and gazed him, Vin sighed with a shudder and dropped his head down. "Better than my memory," he said, and looked up again.
"I'm sorry I took so long. I had to sort it out--"
Vin shook his head hard and poked a finger at Chris's chest. "Don't you start that. I ain't listening to any apologies again."
Chris loved Vin when he was like this, his raspy voice chastising, his blue eyes dazzling with their mischief. He grabbed Vin and kissed him again, delirious with the pleasure it brought him. Vin's hand had moved down along his backside and he could feel the fingers tracing a pattern along his rump, his flank.
Vin pulled him back toward the bed and they fell to the mattress, the straw crackling underneath in the silence of the evening. Vin's mouth was wet and hot, the whisky a faint undercurrent. His tongue played over Chris's tongue, his lips, his teeth. Vin bit at his mouth gently, teasingly, and Chris believed he wouldn't even last as long as he had the first time. He could feel that hot tingling racing from his groin, through his gut, up his chest as Vin pulled his lower lip between his teeth.
Slowly Chris stripped off Vin's clothing and then his own, in between those lush whisky-tinged kisses and bites. He ran his fingers along Vin's chest hair and the firm stomach, kissing down his neck and chest.
Chris sighed against Vin's body, alive with the affection that bloomed in his heart. Flowers blossomed with sunlight and water; even in the desert a cactus would open petals after a winter rain. But love bloomed at night, in quiet spaces where people came together in the darkness.
Ranging his hands along Chris's torso, Vin marveled at his lean, strong body, that it was so close now and under his own hands like this. He could feel Chris's heart beat so strongly, feel the sweet hardness of his cock against Vin's thigh. His hand came up between Vin's thighs and Vin sighed into his neck, letting Chris tempt him and toy with him.
"You think we're any more ready for this than the other night?" Chris asked, his lips against Vin's ear.
"Doubt it," Vin said, arching against Chris's body. "We did okay though, right?"
"Think so."
"You know what we're doing here?" Vin asked, smiling his most wicked smile, teasing Chris's lips with his tongue.
"Nope. You?"
"No idea. Think we should stop?"
"Nah," Chris said gravely. "Best if we just soldier on."
Vin laughed low in his throat, which only served to inflame Chris more. "If we got to, why then, we got to."
Chris felt the hot-hard flesh beneath him and said, "Oh, I think we got to. Absolutely." He moved his hand beneath Vin's back and moved him over on his stomach, kissing down Vin's shoulder blade, the edge of his hip, the buttocks. Just for the hell of it he sank his teeth lightly into Vin's rump, and instead of getting bucked off, Vin moaned into the mattress, shifting in a way that made Chris nearly mad with lust. When he leaned up over Vin on one arm, he cast Chris a sly look.
"What would you like me to do?" Chris asked him softly, licking the edge of Vin's ear.
Vin dug his fingers into the sheet and twisted sideways, shuddering at Chris's attentions. He'd never imagined it this way, this heady mix of fierceness and tenderness, laughter and desire. It was some kind of fever dream, something that felt so real but just couldn't be. "Anything you do is what I want."
Chris put his forehead against Vin's, his fingertips tracing up and down Vin's bare back. He had no idea how to say all the things he wanted to say to Vin right now; talking wasn't usually the way he responded to this much physical excitement, but he wanted to wrap his arms and legs around Vin, feel what they'd felt the other night and tell him how much love and esteem he had. It overwhelmed him, so much so that he'd been struck dumb in the face of it. But Vin knew him, his thoughts and feelings. Maybe he didn't have to tell him in so many words.
Vin put his hand over the deep red scar of the gunshot wound on his side and breathed raggedly in. Then he ran his fingertips over other scars of Chris's, causing a shudder at each one. He asked about them all in turn, and Chris answered with knife or fight or axe or saw, until Vin almost laughed. "How'd you ever get to be this old?"
Ignoring that, Chris ran his fingers over two sets of long cuts across Vin's inner arms, four each. "Blood ritual," was all Vin said, and Chris found another scar just above his left hipbone, what had clearly once been a large, round wound. "That was just damnfool stupidity," Vin answered. "Horse threw me and I fell onto a big ol' bush, and the limb just went right through me. Then I got the fever from it and I nearly went under."
He said it so matter-of-factly that Chris shivered. Pressing his hand to the scar, Chris breathed hard against Vin's neck. "No," he said, and Vin just responded quietly, "Yes." He stared at Chris, then said, "I said I'd always be there, but you know I ain't gonna live forever." Chris just pushed tighter against Vin.
Beside him Vin rolled all the way onto his back, then reached over and pushed Chris's hair away from his forehead. He put both his hands on Chris's ribcage and pulled him atop his body, sighing as skin met skin. Vin stroked Chris's cock with his hand, playing on his aching flesh. Chris didn't necessarily know what they were doing but it didn't matter at all, he could feel himself building to a climax already. Some things nature took care of. This was truly blissful ignorance, then, he thought and laughed a little to himself.
At that, Vin stopped and smiled at Chris. "Better not be me you're laughin' at, cowboy."
"Not a chance. Just thinking that for amateurs, we're doing right fine."
"That we are," Vin answered, and moved over, sliding atop Chris who now lay on his belly underneath Vin, spreading his legs apart. Vin's cock slid between Chris's thighs, along his ass, and he gasped with the surprise and pleasure of it, moving himself up and down, matching Chris's own movements.
Beneath him Chris panted and writhed as Vin slid his hand around, again enclosing Chris's cock in his hand, moving it furiously up and down as he bucked his hips. The friction on Vin's own flesh was tight, then slick, then nearly painful, then wonderful again, and he couldn't feel anything but the heat in his hand and the heat in his groin. Falling, fast and far, down into some brilliant warmth that swallowed him whole and then he could hear sounds around him, the creaking of the bunk slats and the harsh panting of Chris, and his own voice as he gasped out in fulfillment.
Somewhere along this line -- he hadn't realized when -- Chris had already come, and Vin's hand was warm and sticky with it. Chris pulled Vin's hand away, whispering at him, "Can't take that anymore, I'm all done in." He turned over to face Vin, settling together as Vin rolled over onto his side. He didn't want to leave that embrace or separate his skin from Chris's, so he hooked a leg over his slim hip and put his hand flat against Chris's chest.
"As lessons go, I could get used to this kind of learning," Chris said softly to Vin, covering his face with kisses. He felt so drowsy and warm, complete. He could stay here for the rest of his life, just with Vin, just like this.
Vin absently moved his fingertips across Chris's chest, already starting to drift into sleep, the sound of the crickets outside the only thing he could hear above the sound of Chris's breathing.
When he opened his eyes again Chris was still lying next to him, one arm bent up under his head, the fingers of the other moving gently through his hair. He rolled over onto his back, trying to rub the sleep from his eyes, but Chris remained still. "You watchin' me sleep?" Vin asked.
"Mm-hm." He didn't care how silly Vin must have thought that; he felt so much warm affection for him right now that embarrassment wasn't even part of his worries.
Vin's face colored, and Chris began to laugh low in his chest at the blush.
"You're an idiot, you know that?" Vin said in his hoarse voice.
"That I am." He couldn't think of anyone he'd rather be so foolish over.
"I'm probably lyin' here drooling like a stumpsucker of a horse, or I got my mouth open and I look like a landed fish."
"Yeah, but it looks good on you."
Vin laughed silently, rolling over onto his stomach, nestling close to Chris on the narrow bed. He put his hand on Chris's hip. "I keep thinking that maybe we should be damned for all this. Two men... but I don't. I don't even want to ever go back. What I mean is, if this is damnation, then I'll stay here for my penance."
Chris slid over and moved atop Vin, draping himself over his back and pushing Vin's hair off his neck. He touched the singed part, rubbed it between his fingers and felt that icy clutch in his gut as he thought of how close he'd come to losing Vin. "I'm takin' a scissors to this tomorrow and we're fixing you up. You're all lopsided."
"Always knew you only cared about looks. No one with a fancy rig and jingle-bobs on his spurs could expect any less, I reckon."
Trailing his lips softly over Vin's shoulders, then down his backbone, Chris laughed against his warm skin. He found his way back up to Vin's neck and pressed his lips to the soft skin behind his ear. "I keep thinking that it's all a dream again, like dreaming of Sarah and Adam. That I can't be happy again, but I am."
It was almost too much for Vin to handle, to hear these words coming from this man, to feel the white heat of desire that crept through his body at Chris's touch, and he could scarcely breathe. "You were happy with Ella, before you knew, though."
"Maybe Ezra and Josiah are right," Chris said, his breath breezing across Vin's skin. "Maybe I need someone to take care of, to help. I don't think Ella ever needed that, even before she ran mad. I wanted to be with her, but I don't know that I ever had that same feeling like I had before, like I got now."
"Hell, Larabee, is that what you think of me? I'm somebody needs taking care of?" He glared sideways at Chris, but was grinning. He snaked a hand up alongside Chris's muscled thigh. Even if he wasn't kidding, it wouldn't have bothered him that Chris felt that way; he knew what was meant and the spirit intended.
Chris just grinned at him and Vin could feel the smile of his lips against his neck. "I want to take care of you, see to your needs and make you content. Make you glad you stayed here. What do you think'll make you feel that way?"
Throat constricted, heart beating too fast, Vin turned so he could look at Chris eye to eye. He gripped Chris's shoulders. "This. Only this."
"My bed?" Chris asked quietly.
"Your affections." He couldn't say love, was still so unsure how far he should expect this to go. Even with all the tender words Charlotte had expressed to him so long ago, he still had wondered whether, if he'd met her any other time, she would have felt that way about him. He'd never had the confidence to be certain of someone, if they desired *him* and not just what he represented. If Chris felt like this, was it only because he was so lonely and needed someone to care for?
He knew Chris, though, knew that Chris understood his own heart and was not afraid to show how he truly felt. There was so much confidence in him, so much honesty and strength, that Vin sometimes wondered how he could have attracted such attentions from someone like that.
"You've got what you want, then," Chris said, and Vin put his fingertips on the cleft of Chris's lower lip, softly tracing over its shape. "All that, and more."
Vin wanted to ask why, how, but his face must have given him away, for Chris said, "When I first met you, I didn't have any doubts about you at all. I saw you standing there with that gun, and I thought you were someone I'd like to know, someone like me. Even when anybody's tried to get me to doubt you, I knew something about you. You're true. In every meaning of that word. You're brave, honest, and strong and loyal, straight -- nothing false about you. I want to be all that for you."
Putting both arms around Chris, Vin buried his face in his hair, taking in the scent of him, the texture. He couldn't want any more than this, because this was all there was. Nothing in his life, no regard or affections could have prepared him for this feeling, this belonging, this wanting. Chris leaned down and kissed him, moving slowly down his body, taking Vin's sex into his mouth. Vin was lost completely, his body singing with pleasure.
Chris looked up toward Vin's face to see the effect of his actions. Vin's head was thrown back so it was impossible to see his eyes, but it didn't matter. Each movement he made, each tease of his tongue or lips made Vin sigh loudly, every noise they had stifled that one night now coming back with full force. Vin's head thrashed from side to side, his mouth was open, wet lips gleaming in the low light of the cabin. And all it did was make Chris harder; he couldn't believe he was doing this and feeling all this, but here it was, an intensity of feeling that had become a mystery to his heart during all those lost years. The difference between sex with someone you loved and someone you barely knew was as wide as the plains. He'd satisfied his body before, but not his heart. Vin's fingers gripped the sheet and clenched, unclenched, his leg moving along Chris's side, before he finally came, hot and bitter exploding in Chris's mouth. He waited for Vin to subside and then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, moving up beside Vin who somehow had the presence of mind to wrap his hand around Chris's own cock, slick already, achingly hard.
Vin's eyes were still closed, but he was smiling so broadly Chris thought his face would crack. Although Vin's hand was moving up and down on him, fast and then slow, squeezing and then stroking, Chris thought that if he did nothing else for the rest of his life but earn this look from Vin and make him that happy, it would be a good life indeed. He was filled with love, a river of it flowed through him, fast and wild, pure and deep, overspilling its banks. Vin stroked one more time and Chris felt himself go all the way over the edge, his body twitching and bucking under Vin's very sure hand.
He had so many things to say and nothing at all, because he thought that Vin must understand everything. Vin turned to him with that gentle, crooked smile, and opened his eyes. Chris always felt helpless under those eyes.
"Think we could stay here forever and no one would notice?" Vin asked him.
"That was my plan."
Vin smiled. "Wild horses."
"Yeah." Chris wanted to blurt out everything he could about his feelings, cocoon himself here with Vin and shut out everything else. He felt so awkward at this -- with a woman it had been easy to show loving and tender feelings, but he wasn't certain how to do it with a man, especially one so silent and strong as Vin. "Stay with me. Not just tonight. Always."
"I wish we could." He turned a little melancholy then. "Hide away, like no one would see." Vin looked wistfully at Chris. "Everyone minds their business, but I got to wonder how much folks would notice."
"I'd take that risk. I gave up on God and his rules a long time ago. If folks think someone ought to live life the way *they* say, I ain't buying that."
"I know. But there's people would say this will surely send us to hell." He sighed. "I reckon it don't matter, least ways it shouldn't matter, who you feel for. You love who you love." Vin looked hard at him, trying to see if he'd scared Chris off. "Hope you don't mind me saying that."
Chris pressed his lips to Vin's forehead and brushed his hair back. "Nope. All you'd do is beat me to it." Time played such terrible tricks on you. You spent all your days trying to forget pain, to live your life as best you could. And when you finally found happiness it sped by you so fast you almost couldn't grab it. He'd taken so long to get here; if only there were some way to really stay.
In the morning Vin rose first, quietly, letting Chris sleep for a while. Yesterday would have been such a day for him, filled with so many emotions, and Vin wanted to let him rest. He'd cooked some breakfast and left it for Chris, and now he'd get the horses ready so they could head off in due time. But not too hurriedly; it was difficult to leave and return to their everyday life. He knew this wasn't the end, could tell from Chris's behavior that he would not regretfully shut Vin out again, but things could never really be the same after this. He'd waited so long for this kind of feeling, this connection; he hadn't planned on it being something he'd have to hide to such lengths. But whatever it took, it was all right with him as long as Chris was there.
As he stepped outside into the fresh morning air, he finished dressing by tying his kerchief around his neck and then pulling on his jacket over the metal gear of Ezra's Derringer get-up. He left his hat and rig inside and would get those when they were ready to go. Vin couldn't see the horses and was momentarily alarmed that they hadn't shut the gate last night. He walked closer to see if they simply hadn't repaired it right and the horses had got out, but as he came around he saw something on the ground, fluttering along. A pure white handkerchief. Then the sound of boots on grit and he looked up, cold fear seizing his heart, drawing for the rifle that wasn't there because he hadn't yet strapped his rig on. Just then a large man swung a shotgun stock at his head. He ducked, but was hit from the other side by someone else. As his vision started to blur Vin saw her standing there, her dress so blazingly white against the red dust.
For a moment he'd forgotten the Derringer; it was not his usual weapon and it didn't register in his mind that he had something to defend himself with. He could hear Chris step out onto the porch, shouting something, but another blow caught him on the jaw and he fell into blackness.
Chris rushed to get his gun when he saw the commotion but was tackled from behind by the larger man, feeling his ankle snap beneath him as he hit the wall. Pain screamed through him and he yelled out, then another man was there and he kicked out at them, trying to run for a weapon. He had no idea what they were after but had seen Vin go down and knew he had to protect them both, even if he was barely capable of walking. He stumbled forward, only to be grabbed from behind and his head banged hard against the window frame, his vision sparkling. Behind him he heard a woman's voice -- Ella's, he realized -- shout something to them, and then they hit him again and he was out.
End Part 3
10/8/01