babycakes

Staying Present

Having a kiddo has this strange way of keeping you in the moment. I swear that I can't remember what happened last week or last month or last year. I know Finn was this little helpless baby at some point but when I look at our capable, demanding little boy I have the hardest time seeing him in any way but how he is right now.

Tiredness has left me no time to dwell on the past, and beyond the horrible worries the pop up now and then, there's not much left to think about the future.

It's all about the here and now, living life in the intensely present tense.

It's about finding rocks to throw or dirty rotting pine cones. It's about dogs. It's about what's for lunch and helping put together puzzles. It's about toddler dancing in the living room, turning circles while you shake the maraca. It's about NOW. Not the minute before, not the minute after but RIGHT NOW.

I take a million pictures because later I'll forget what he was doing at any particular moment. I wish there was a way we could capture the pure essence of Finn at any one moment then go back when I have time to really sit down and savor them, when I can truly take a deep breath and stop my 100 mile per hour life, take a moment to savor my mercurial boy. I want to remember forever the way he smells after a bath or the sound of his giggle when we tickle him or how sweet he is as he cuddles against me and breast feeds.

But I can't, so I go on living in the present tense and trying so hard to hold onto something that is always eluding my grasp while enjoying whatever and whoever my little boy is RIGHT NOW.

From birth to now...

From birth to now..., originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

just for fun...

Toddlerpalooze

Okay, I admit it. I'm actually loving having a toddler. Babies are sweet and everything, but DAMN, they're a lot of work. It's not that Finn isn't a pain in the ass. He's whiny and demanding, rigid, temperamental and known to cast himself on the floor and scream when he doesn't get his own way.

He's also lovely in between all of that.

He gives us kisses. Never just one of us. If he kisses mama, mommy gets a kiss too. If he kisses mommy, well mama better just get herself over there. He's so excited about life. He shakes with excitement when he sees a dog. He thinks dominoes are phones and talks rather animatedly on them. He cooks. He thinks he knows how to use the debit card. He loves books. He holds our hand and isn't satisfied with just one person's hand; it must be both mama and mommy's hands at once. He loves rocks and pipes in the ground and all kinds of strange things that adults just pass on by. And birds. Crows of all the horrid things to love.

He snuggles. I never thought that my difficult, challenging on-the-go child would EVER snuggle, but he puts his head on my shoulder and settles in. It's then that I tell M that we've done good by Finn so far in his life.

I've been bracing for the toddler tornado, and he's certainly hard to take on some days, but all of that melts away with how wonderful he is. He's just the best and I wouldn't trade this time in his life for anything. In the meantime my tiny toddler tyrant is busy dancing around the living room with his tambourine and I'm going to go join him.

Climbing into the Zooper

Climbing into the Zooper, originally uploaded by Sacha Digi.

Here's our funny kiddo after he got himself into the basket of the stroller. I know babies are cute but TODDLERS are the bomb.

Holding Pattern & Nursing Sheep

We're officially off TTC until 2009. DtD isn't coming home for another year. M. and I aren't happy on many different levels. She'll be older, meaning it will be harder to get her knocked up. Finn won't have his donor in his life regularly until he's 2.5 years old. We'll spend another year without our friend.

THIS WAS NOT IN OUR PLANS.

We're going to take advantage of this time. M. is going to acupuncture and will see a naturopath to work on getting her cycles fine-tuned. We're going to get a commitment from DtD about starting to TTC the moment he steps off the plane. Another year means we've lost any wiggle room to be casual about starting trying for #2.

And if he's not still with us, we'll need to start looking for a new KD.

We are sad, here in the M,S & F household. Well, Finn isn't sad but mama and mommy are.

Nursing Sheep

On a lighter note, we have the fucking cutest kid in the world. Yes, a typical parental statement, but I swear it's true.

We were sitting around with DtD and BF yesterday when Finn decided he wanted to nurse. No problem. I whipped out the boob and Finn happily suckled away. Then he suddenly pulled off, grabbed his stuffed sheep and put it to my breast while making little sucking/drinking sounds.

DtD said, "well, that was unexpected."

HA HA.

I'm finding that going beyond a year nursing is a minority amongst my mom-friends, but nursing into toddlerhood means moments like watching your son offer his stuffed sheep a bit of mommy milk. Just adorable, and something I wouldn't trade for the world.

Our Boy is Visiting

DtD is home for a visit. Yay.

It's strange because he's been gone almost a year and he calls and is "Hi, whatch y'all up to?" like NOTHING ever happened. I expected him to be all strange and different and he's the same. In a way it feels like the last almost-year never happened.

He's supposed to be home in October and I have a bad feeling that he's going to be gone another year. We need to confirm this but it's going to make my stomach hurt and I don't want to know until he's gone again. My favorite way to deal with difficult issues is to sink myself fully into DENIAL. Being an emotional adult is a constant struggle.

In the meantime, we're hanging out and enjoying seeing DtD interact with an older Finn. Pretty dang cute. Finn gave him a kiss and a snuggle the other night and it was very sweet. It made me feel really good about using a known donor.